Where Do Anger and Peace Fit into an Ag Legacy?
An•ger /’ aNGger/ noun
A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility. (Oxford Languages, n.d.)
What is anger? Psychology Today describes anger as one of the basic human emotions, as elemental as happiness, sadness, anxiety, or disgust. Anger is related to the fight, flight, or freeze response of the nervous system; it prepares humans to fight. But fighting doesn’t necessarily mean throwing punches; it might mean motivating persons to combat injustice by changing laws or enforcing new behavioral norms.
Anger: Three Kinds
Your Life Counts outlines three types of anger that help shape how we react in a situation that makes us angry. These are Passive Aggression, Open Aggression, and Assertive Anger:
Passive Aggression
Many of us do not like to admit that we are angry, because we don’t like confrontation—this is called passive aggression. This comes out in behaviors like becoming silent when you are angry, sulking, procrastinating, and pretending everything is fine.
Open Aggression
This occurs when a person responds by lashing out, becoming physically or verbally aggressive, and potentially hurting themselves or others. This response is shown by fighting, bullying, blackmailing, accusing, shouting, bickering, sarcasm, and criticism.
Assertive Anger
The healthy way to deal with anger is through a controlled and confident approach, talking and listening, and being open to help in dealing with the situation. This assertive anger can help relationships to grow. It means thinking before you speak, being confident in how you say it, yet open and flexible to the other side. It means being patient, not raising your voice, communicating how you are feeling emotionally, and really trying to understand what others are feeling. When you deal with anger assertively, you demonstrate that you are mature and care about your relationships and yourself.
Why Anger?
We might reasonably ask: Why do we need anger? Ryan Martin, a psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin–Green Bay says, “Anger is associated with a bunch of consequences, everything from physical aggression and physical fights, verbal fights, property damage, cardiovascular disorders, other negative emotions, and substance abuse problems.” When people experience anger in great intensity too often, they are also likely to experience interpersonal or physiological problems.
Many people misunderstand anger. It is this built-in emotion, much like sadness, much like fear, and much like a lot of our other emotions, it’s something that is universal. Through his conversations with people about their anger, Martin has learned that many people see anger as a problem. Anger may interfere in our life, it can damage relationships, it may even be scary.
Martin describes anger a little differently: “Anger is a powerful and healthy force in your life. It’s good that you feel it. You need to feel it.” People can do all sorts of things when they’re angry. We also know that anger can be a motivator that encourages people to act in positive, prosocial ways. It really exists in us to alert us to an injustice and then to energize us to respond to that injustice. Although we tend to think of anger as an irrational response and that people who get angry are unhinged, we should keep in mind that we also need it. Martin relates that anger tells us when something feels wrong, unjust, or unfair. Emotions exist in us to alert us to things: sadness, which also feels bad in the moment, alerts us to loss; fear, which can also feel bad in the moment, alerts us to danger; and anger alerts us to injustice.
Anger Has Meaning
We should understand that if we are angry, it must mean something. If we consider the basic reasons why we get angry, one of the most basic reasons is that our goals are blocked. Achieving goals is important to human beings. We can think of anger as one of the mechanisms that allows us to power through those frustrations and obtain our goal.
Martin also suggests that if we think about situations where we are likely to become angry, we can tease out some common themes. For example, we get angry in situations that are unpleasant, that feel unfair, where our goals are blocked, circumstances that could have been avoided and that leave us feeling powerless. But you can also tell that anger is probably not the only thing we’re feeling in these situations.
It is important to note that anger doesn’t happen in a vacuum. We can feel angry at the same time that we’re feeling scared or sad or feeling a host of other emotions. Perhaps most interesting, when we study this further, we discover that these provocations are not making us mad—at least, not on their own. We know this, because if they were, we would all get angry over the same things, but we don’t. The reasons I get angry are different from the reasons you get angry, so there must be something else going on. That something else is how we interpret the provocation.
Interpreting Anger
The next question we might ask ourselves is, “What should we do when we start to recognize ourselves responding to a provocation?” How should we respond? Martin encourages people to search for insight to gain the upper hand in these situations. When you notice what’s happening to you, think about why it’s happening. Oftentimes, people will externalize that. They’ll blame the provocation saying, “Well, this thing is making me mad.” That’s good as a start. The next step should be to ask, “How am I interpreting the thing?” Is that making it worse? That is the level where we can often identify the factors that are leading us to blow things up into a much bigger situation—maybe we’re being too demanding or maybe we’ve labeled a person in a way that’s unfair.
Once we’ve established how we are interpreting a situation, then we can begin to move forward with an intentional goal of deciding what we want to do with it. We might decide that now is not a good time for me to become angry, so I need to take a few deep breaths. I might need to think about something else for a few minutes. Sometimes we might need to acknowledge that this is a situation I can’t fix, and I need to find a way to go on and accept it.
Acceptance is one of the most complicated psychological processes when it comes to anger because sometimes it works and is associated with positive outcomes. Sometimes, acceptance ends up being more like suppression and is really just someone pretending the situation doesn’t bother them anymore. That’s not really a healthy way to address the situation.
Anger and Compassion
Russell Kolts is a clinical psychologist who specializes in compassion-focused therapy. Kolts describes anger as a wonderful sign and a terrible strategy. Most of the time anger is really good at helping us identify things that we need to attend to, things that are troubling us, that bother us, or are potential threats. The problem starts when the typical responses that are motivated by anger can lead us to saying or doing things that cause problems in our relationships or in the workplace or whatever context we find ourselves in.
Kolts describes an exercise that may help. Bring to mind a situation in which you recently struggled. As you look back on that struggling version of yourself in that situation, try to look back with compassion—the way you would relate to someone that you care deeply about and wanted to help. If you could go back and whisper into the ear of that vulnerable version of you in that situation, what support or encouragement might you offer to help yourself be at your best in that moment?
He suggests that it is compassionate to notice that I’m really angry right now. I’m really struggling. This is really hard. Anger tries to convince us that we must act right now. However, we are not required to believe it. We can take a moment, we can work to balance our emotions first, and then we can move forward to work on the underlying situation. He describes that as true strength and compassion.
Breaking the Peace
The family dynamic can be easily derailed in agricultural families when working so closely together. This seems to be especially true as new ideas come up, differences of opinion are shared, individuals become angry over an issue, or decisions are made without consulting everyone. What are some of the other issues that can disrupt peace in a family?
It should be no surprise that conflict arises whenever people are brought together. Conflict and anger are a part of everyday life. Learning how to cope with them is a necessary skill. When conflict involves family and the family business, it can escalate to a whole other level, especially in agricultural families. The agriculture community already breeds people to be self-sufficient, driven, and passionate. Bringing individuals with these traits together can, at times, create tension and lead to disruption of the peace.
One of the challenges in family-owned farms or ranches is that there is often little or no separation of family and business. Family members often live on the same land where the business takes place and the success of the operation, as well as the family, is connected to it. Thus, the stress from the business can often run over into family life and vice versa.
Another factor that can add stress and disrupt the peace in a family is uncertainty. The strain of uncertainty created can overflow to influence the future of the business, as well as an individual’s future within the business. Agricultural businesses are subject to market fluctuations, changes in the cost of inputs, and competition. These shifting business factors can be challenging to experience, but, even more difficult is dealing with the uncertainty about an individual’s future within the business.
Stress can also result from not being invited to share in making management decisions. This can be particularly difficult when the individual is heavily involved in day-to-day operations with obvious expectations that they will do what it takes to keep the operation going; even what might feel like at any cost.
Kolts describes an exercise that may help. Bring to mind a situation in which you recently struggled. As you look back on that struggling version of yourself in that situation, try to look back with compassion—the way you would relate to someone that you care deeply about and wanted to help. If you could go back and whisper into the ear of that vulnerable version of you in that situation, what support or encouragement might you offer to help yourself be at your best in that moment?
He suggests that it is compassionate to notice that I’m really angry right now. I’m really struggling. This is really hard. Anger tries to convince us that we must act right now. However, we are not required to believe it. We can take a moment, we can work to balance our emotions first, and then we can move forward to work on the underlying situation. He describes that as true strength and compassion.
Restoring the Peace
A breakdown in the peace of a family isn’t typically due to just one person’s actions. As a result, restoring that peace often takes concerted effort by everyone involved—individuals and the family as a whole.
Individuals can take positive steps to relieve stress and begin to restore peace in the family. Rachel Eddins, a counselor at Eddins Counseling Group, offers seven practices everyone can follow:
Cultivate a positive view of others
While individuals may feel very strongly about their opinion or point of view, it is important that everyone respects each other and realizes that everyone’s opinion matters. Work to think positively about other family members. Don’t look out for only your own opinions, but be considerate and respectful of the opinions of others as well.
Demonstrate patience
Practice taking a step back when conflict arises, taking a deep breath, and looking at the situation from all angles. Eddins recommends looking at the problem from (a) your own point of view, (b) the other person’s point of view, and (c) the point of view of a third party. For more on this strategy, see the Ag Legacy newsletter, Difficult Conversations: How do we discuss what really matters? (aglegacy.org).
Never resort to abusive behavior
Verbal or physical abuse is never the correct path. Instead of using your words as daggers, seek ways to soothe and heal your loved one’s feelings. Trying to make your point at the expense of another is never productive. Resist the urge to be sarcastic, raise your voice, or make unfounded accusations
Practice sharing and giving
Take time to get to know your family members. What do they like? What makes them happy? Surprise them sometime with a gift or an act of kindness. You may be surprised by what happens next.
Listen attentively
Conflict is typically based on what an individual perceives has happened, rarely on what actually happened. Actions can often be misinterpreted, or motives misconstrued, in the heat of the moment. Take time to really listen to the other person, instead of just hearing them while already planning your rebuttal. Keep an open mind without prejudice.
Be ready to apologize
Be willing to apologize and take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Even if you feel you haven’t done anything wrong, you can apologize for your negative response. Family peace is more important than pride or victory.
Be willing to forgive
Holding back forgiveness can seem like you are reserving some sort of advantage to use the next time conflict arises but, in reality, you are holding back progress. Forgiving someone when they have apologized helps reunite a family. It can restore peace and allow the family to move past the struggle.
Forgiveness is always important; if a person has apologized for making you angry or if you realize that the situation isn’t worth it, be open to forgive and willing to be forgiven, as well as to forgive yourself!
Plan for Your Ag Legacy
One of the most stressful issues, as reported by farm and ranch families, is transfer of the operation to the next generation. Even just talking about the transfer of management and ownership can bring up and amplify the stress and anxiety that surrounds the issue.
One possible response to that stress is anger. Although we tend to think of anger as an irrational response, we should keep in mind that we need it. Remember: Anger tells us when something feels wrong, unjust, or unfair. When we feel angry, that feeling should prompt us to carefully reflect on our interpretation of what is going on in order to gain the upper hand—think: “How am I interpreting what is happening and why am I becoming angry?”
Conflict will arise, even in families with good relationships. Planning for it, rather than avoiding it, can help keep the discord from spiraling out of control. One primary way to reduce and resolve problems is for family members to focus on the underlying issues, rather than displaying aggression, passing judgment, or avoiding contention. Family members are more likely to attempt to address the conflict, rather than simply ignore it, when they understand and are comfortable with the process for addressing it.
Taking time to build a plan for succession of ownership and management of the family farm or ranch will allow family members to find peace and understanding about their future. This also allows them to make plans for their own future.
References
Carter, C. (2019, October). How do you cope with anxiety and stress in your ag legacy? Ag Legacy, 4(3). https://aglegacy.org
Eddins, R. (2017). Family conflicts: 7 ways to keep the peace in your home. Eddins Counseling Group. Retrieved September 30, 2022, from https://eddinscounseling.com/family-conflicts-keep-peace-home
Hewlett, J. (2019, December). Should forgiveness have a place in your ag legacy? Ag Legacy, 4(4). https://aglegacy.org
Humanity Unlimited Global, Inc. (n.d.). Dealing with anger: Types of anger. Your Life Counts. Retrieved December 2020, from https://yourlifecounts.org/learning-center/aggression/dealing-with-anger-types-of-anger
Kolts, R. (2019, October 18). How can we use compassion to manage our anger? [Audio]. TED Radio Hour, NPR. Retrieved December 2020, from https:// www.npr.org/2019/10/18/769450372/russell-kolts-how-can-we-use-compassion-to-manage-our-anger
Martin, R. (2019, October 18). Why do we need anger? [Audio]. TED Radio Hour, NPR. Retrieved December 2020, from https://www.npr.org/2019/10/18/769450162/ryan-martin-why-do-we-need-anger
Oxford Languages. (n.d.). Anger. Retrieved December 2020, from https://www.oed.com/dictionary/anger_n?tab=meaning_and_use#3484921
Psychology Today staff. (n.d.). Anger, rage, aggression. Psychology Today. Retrieved December 2020, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/anger
Tanski-Phillips, M. (2021). Got conflict? Here’s how to keep the peace in a family-run business. Patriot Small Business Blog. Retrieved September 30, 2022, from https://smallbusiness.patriotsoftware.com/keeping-peace-family-run-business-tips
The worksheet titled Factors Affecting the Farm Business Transition (pp. 10-11) in Cultivating Your Farm’s Future: A workbook for farm succession planning may help you start a conversation around the topic from this blog.
Author Bio
By John Hewlett, Ranch/Farm Management Specialist, University of Wyoming Department of Agricultural and Applied Economics,
and Caleb Carter, consultant to the University of Wyoming Department of Agricultural and Applied Economics